The OA Preamble "Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating.  We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology, or religious doctrine; we take no position outside issues."

In This Issue Step 6  Tool of Writing Just for Men Step 7 Denial Step 8 For the Relapser  4th Step for Parents One OA Member’s Step 3  Step 9  For the Newcomer  Editor's Corner

Deep Breathing
 

When I first came to OA, I felt alone and isolated. I had built my walls tall and deep. I was beginning to suffocate. The love in these meetings is like the air we breathe. It seeps through the cracks and crevices. You can’t keep it out. After a few meetings, I wanted to go to a retreat, but I didn’t want to go alone. I mustered up all the courage I could find and asked someone to go with me. She said yes and asked to bring three more people. Five of us set off for the retreat, and I made four new friends. At the retreat I got mega-doses of love, and I met many new friends. My walls had begun to wear away. I returned home with abstinence and the courage to begin a new way of life. I tried to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I didn’t succeed in that number, but it didn’t matter; I went to a lot more meetings by trying to do it. My walls crumpled a little more because the more meetings I went to, the more the love seeped into my prison; and my walls were coming down.

Recently I stopped going to meetings. I guess I thought I had healed so much I could live without my meetings. That is like saying I could live without the air I breathe. I felt alone and isolated again. I was scaredI wanted to start putting up walls, but instead I went back to my meetings and breathed in deeply. The love flowed all through me. I felt connected, a part of each one of you. I was no longer afraid. I drew my strength and courage from all those around me, and once again I was full of the love that fills the meetings. I am very excited about the next retreat because I know I will get megadoses of love, strength and courage. I hope to see you all there. In the meantime, I am going to go to as many meetings as I can and breathe deeply. — M.D., edited and reprinted from HOWways newsletter, Arizona HOW Intergroup, February 1998

 

Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all  these defects of character. I’m not sure I have worked this Step. As I look at it, I realize that being entirely ready is not something I do with God. I do that with other things and other people. I would like to have my character defects removed, but it seems that some of them continue to work for me. As I reflect on which of them work for me, I see that commitment, procrastination, and busyness are character traits that can be both negative and positive. The negative side of commitment is taking on more than is reasonable and prudent for both myself and others. The positive side is when I suit up and show up, doing the task for which I have taken responsibility. The negative side of procrastination is putting off something small and making it large by letting it slide until it causes a time crunch. The positive side of procrastination is called due deliberation when I take my time to evaluate a situation, give it to God and allow God to give it back to me when appropriate. Busyness is negative when I make unnecessary work. It is positive when I am open to what God has in store for me that day. As I review my progress, I know that I am emphasizing the positive aspects of my character traits rather than the negative. I have heard it said that the negative aspect of a character trait is “counterproductive.” I like that. Being entirely ready allows me to take what God gives me, one day at a time, just for today. — Edited and reprinted from OA Awareness newsletter, Phoenix Metro Intergroup, June 2001 We Are not Bad!  We Have a Disease We are sick people trying to get well.  We are not bad people trying to get good.    From the  “Messenger” 4/2002

How has writing helped me? Why not write – What is stopping me? This was a topic for a writing workshop hosted by Houston Metro Intergroup last summer.  It is just as relevant today as it was in August.  Writing is an ever-important tool to working this program. These two questions are both pertinent to my life today. I know what it’s like to write. I’ve done a lot of it in my 12 years in program. It saved me in the beginning. I read and wrote every night during my old binge time – ten to midnight when everyone else was in bed and I could eat alone. Most of my writing has been in the form of letters to my Higher Power.  By telling God how my day has gone I find out how I felt about the events of the day.  Writing has helped me find my part. It makes me slow down. I have to wait for my hand to catch up with my head. If I only think about something it rattles around in my head and I seem to lose the solution. What I’ve written seems to be more of a truth once it’s down on paper.               So, why don’t I write much today? What is stopping me? What am I afraid to find? What is blocking me? Could it be fear? If so, what am I afraid of? Maybe it’s that I’m still not a lot different than I was 12 years ago. Deep down I’m still basically the same compulsive overeater. My ego wants to believe that I’m such a better person than I was before OA. I know I’ve made progress, I am in a better place. But, am I really much different? I still want my way and I still do what I want and give others as little information as possible.  I still want to eat food that I don’t need just because it is there.             My form of writing has changed over the years.  With the computer taking such a front seat place I find that I write in emails rather than in a personal journal.  This has become an even stronger tool since it combines relationships with other compulsive overeaters as well as getting my thoughts and feelings down in print.  Just writing this short article has shown me how important writing can be.  I feel a sense of peace as I complete this.    Helen D.   Houston

Just For Men

Being a male in OA can be an intimidating experience at times!

             When I first joined OA in Houston, finding another male who had “what I wanted” was not an easy task.  I went for months without a sponsor.  When I finally found the resolve to ask another man to sponsor me: he did not say “Yes!” quickly enough for me, and I walked away.  I was demoralized and did not pursue the matter further with him.   As it turned out, that was a blessing for me.  The next man I asked agreed.  He has been my sponsor since then – for over five years now.  He guided me through the Steps for the first time.  It was a painful process, to be sure.  But it did set the foundation for my eventual abstinence and for the recover I enjoy today, one day at a time.  He is there for me when I call or when I ask to visit.  He is my program mentor.  He encouraged me to sponsor, and now I pass along my experience, strength, and hope to my sponsees – so goes the Program. My message is  this:  If you are  male and are having difficulty finding the right sponsor –  KEEP TRYING.  Even if the  man you want to sponsor you is  “full” and unable to take you  on as a sponsee, ask if him if he  would be willing to accept  phone calls and be open to sharing his experience, strength, and hope on a limited basis.  Most will do so.

Your sponsor is out there; you just haven’t connected yet!

Greg M.
Houston

And for all you guys out there who haven’t been to the Wednesday night men’s meeting – please join us!
It’s at 7:00 p.m. at the Live Oaks Friends (Quaker) Meeting House, 1318 W. 26th St. (two blocks south of Loop 610 between Ella and Shepherd).

Step 7

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

Stewing in the Defects

If you look in the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” in the chapter “How It Works,” you’ll notice that Steps Six and Seven are covered in two short paragraphs. That’s it. For me, these are two of the most difficult Steps, and they give us a few sentences and a nice prayer.

But the point of their brevity is that there is not much to these Steps. Of course, as compulsive people, we want to analyze and discuss and stew in our luscious defects. And, if you are anything like me, this is a great way to delay the frightening prospect of Steps Eight and Nine.

Steps Six and Seven really are simple. We pray to God to remove our defects of character, just as we prayed to God to remove our compulsion to overeat. Our footwork is to be willing to go to any lengths to avoid overeating. For example, if we know that talking with a certain person triggers our tendency to gossip, we can act on this awareness. We have choices. We can set boundaries with this person. We can take ourselves out of tempting situations.

If dishonesty is a defect, we can look at our lives and find ways to confront the issue. For example, we can stop cutting corners and pay the road tolls. We can stop saying, “Oh, I’m fine,” when we feel miserable. We can stop padding the expense account, lying to the police officer and omitting the “insignificant” details.

This is a lifetime process. Our defects will always be with us because they are part of this disease, but we can recover from them one day at a time with help from our Higher Power.

— Edited and reprinted from Winging It One Day at a Time newsletter, Suburban North Intergroup,
August/September [no year provided] (Lifeline 7/2001)
 
 

Denial is a secret that we keep from ourselves. This secret causes us harm and like most secrets it doesn’t serve us well. We lie to ourselves so that we won’t have to confront some pattern of behavior or Beliefs.  We don’t question this behavior or these beliefs because it has become familiar: a situation that we accept as normal. We have become completely wrapped up in the lie so we don't see what others readily see. Over time we create our own perceptions, fantasies, and stories about the issue. Learning to ignore our feelings, we miss the little pieces of truth that slip through  to break our denial. In order to remain numb to the truth, we began to use denial as a coping mechanism to deal with the past. Using denial to combat the feelings associated with painful events of our past keeps us numb to reality.

Reality hurts--denial comforts.

It is only when denial breaks that we realize that we need help.  We obviously can’t do it alone or we would have already done so.  What breaks denial? Usually our coping mechanisms stop working. What ever we have used to medicate the pain no longer can stop it. A wise woman once said,  when the  pain is greater than the fear, that’s when  we change. We can remain open to the  idea that there are parts of us that we  keep dark and secret from ourselves. We can ask our Higher Power to reveal to us the things we are denying that is keeping us stuck..  If we are open when someone tells us what they see we are saying or doing, denial may break giving us more choices. Choices are freedom in action. Denial keeps us from our choices.

Elizabeth F.
Houston

As I approached the Eighth Step, I easily identified the family member who was number one on my amends list. Subconsciously, I knew my relationship with this person, or lack of it, played a major role in my illness. However, I didn’t know what I had done to the person.
Blaring back at me whenever I reviewed the past was the attack the person had blindsided me with four years previously. At the time, I was struggling against circumstances, clinging to God and staring down community judgment. I had asked nothing of anyone except to be left alone. Intervention came anyway under the title of “for your own good.”
Choosing to be devastated by the attack, I circled my wagons and prepared to fight to the end. Obviously, no one could be trusted—not family, not God. I prayed one last time, “When You change that family member, we’ll talk.” Three years of emotional and spiritual hell followed. Silence was my friend . . . and my weapon.
Now I found myself in a Twelve-Step program. The seven Steps I had worked previously reestablished communication with God. I knew the Eighth Step could help as well. It encouraged me to clean up my side of the street, but I couldn’t find any dust particles to sweep up. “Look over there,” I pointed out for my Twelve-Step friends. “Look at the offensive-smelling heap on the other side of the street. Won’t you join me in the world service effort of cleaning that up?” No one responded. Weeks went by. I seethed. I hadn’t hurt anyone; I had been the one hurt.
I wanted to work the Step, but it was not fitting into reality. I consulted a friend in program. “What do you do,” I asked, “When you need to make amends to someone who needs to make them to you more?” Looking me in the eye, she answered, “If you feel that way about the amends, you’re not ready to make them.” More wrestling ensued. The “Big Book” spoke of my side of the street only. I managed to set aside the offense long enough to look at myself. Yes, I’d been dishonest with my silence. I’d withdrawn emotionally, not so much for protection as for revenge. This action was a visible dust particle I admitted, but it was an understandable error, a natural reaction. I wasn’t even sure my vengeful act had been noticed. To go to the person who had inflicted pain on me and admit my subtle attempt to do the same seemed ludicrous. Yet, there it was, on my side of the street. Would I take responsibility for it? Could I admit it without pointing out I was justified by the other’s behavior? Suppose the person received my amends with no acknowledgment? Was I willing to appear foolish to my offender?
Eventually, these questions faded as a more urgent one emerged: Did I want to move forward spiritually? Yes. I was ready to be responsible for the emotional warfare I’d waged for years. I no longer cared whether the rest of the world was righteously indignant with me. The other side of the street no longer concerned me. I had to do this because I hungered more for God than to be right. I finally found myself willing.

— Edited and reprinted from The Transformation newsletter, Central Ohio Service Intergroup, August 1998
Courtesy of Lifeline August 2001

I am not in relapse…am I?

Here are signs my sponsor told me to watch for when I suspect I might be in relapse:

*Am I going to meetings? I have perfect attendance.  Well, maybe I missed one or two meetings (I am not in relapse).
*Am I reading literature? I call my sponsor every day…and we talk about everything except program (I am not in relapse).
*Am I reading OA literature? Yes I am … at every meeting I attend (I am not in relapse).
*Am I calling my OA friends? Yes and I have a wonderful talking to them about all the people at the meeting (I am not in relapse).
*Am I talking to my Higher Power? Of course I am. Every time I have a crisis in my life, I immediately turn to God (I am not in relapse).
*Am I following a food plan..and make sure to treat myself for good behavior (I am not in relapse).

Look at my answers: I go to meetings when I can; not talking about my program with my sponsor; reading literature only at meetings; gossiping and breaking other OA members’ anonymity; not talking to HP daily; and eating snacks whenever and wherever I feel like it.

I am not in relapse…am I?

© 2000 Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.
 Minor editing by Steps editor

FOR THE MOMMAS 1.      Did you want to have children?  Why or why not? 2.     How did you feel about your pregnancy? 3.     Describe your child’s birth and your feelings about it. 4.     Describe your feelings, relationship, and important          events in your child’s early years, school years,          adolescence, teenage years, currently. 5.     How has your life been affected by having this          child?  How has it affected your compulsive          overeating?          Your relationship with your husband and others, your          career path, your health; spiritual,emotional and           physical.  6.     Any other impressions (resentments, guilt, joys and           sorrows)  *The inventory should be done on each individual child.

FOR THE DADDIES 1.      Did you want to have children?  Why or why not?  2.     Describe your child’s birth and your feelings about          it. 3.     Describe your feelings, relationship, and important          events in your child’s early years, school years,          adolescence, teenage years, currently. 4.     How has your life been affected by having this          child?  How has it affected your compulsive          overeating? Your relationship with your wife and          others, your career path, your health-- spiritual,          emotional and physical. 5.     Any other impressions (resentments, guilt, JOYS and          sorrows)  *The inventory should be done on each individual child.                    Inventories provided by Judy R

 

Step Three

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 I remember when I came to OA. I thought step 3 would be a breeze and I would zip right through it.  I thought, “I know God and this will be soooo easy.”  Imagine my surprise to find I hit a brick wall that was 12 inches thick and a zillion miles high and wide.  There was no way to cheat and go around that wall. I couldn’t go through it either.  In meetings I began to refer to the third step as, “That damn step three!”  Members would smile and nod.  As the months went by I would say that I didn’t think I would ever be able to get past the third step.  I saw no end in sight.

During that time I remember someone telling me to draw a picture of my God.  What I drew amazed me.  There was a huge black cloud out of which lightening bolts were flying and there standing underneath it was a tiny little stick person which was me.

Around this time I remember a member saying in a meeting that when her HP isn’t working for she fires him.  I remember being frightened of that and thinking to myself, “How do you fire the God of the UNIVERSE?”  After that day I had to use the group for my HP.  The God that I knew and understood was a God that I was desperately afraid of and wanted to hide from.  So  my home group became my God for awhile.

Then I made Ben my god.   I named my HP Ben because Ben was a little name and a little guy who couldn’t hurt me.  All Ben was allowed to do was listen and support.  And so Ben became my HP for awhile.

After continued work using the tools and speaking in meetings about what I was feeling, I was finally able to rename Ben.  I realized that I could no long think of God as my Father due to my own father figure.  God and my father had the same characteristics: expecting perfection, withdrawn, emotionally unavailable, judgmental, conditional love.  So I had to pick a name that had no connotation except the characteristics that I chose to give him.

And so I now call my HP, Poppa God.  And He is WONDERFUL!  My Poppa God is my greatest cheerleader, proud of me, loving, accepting, kind, caring, empowering, funny, gift giving, strengthening, powerful, huggable, protective of me, approachable, creative and forgiving.  I love my Poppa God. And so as we say in the program:

I came

I came to

I came to believe

And now when I’m in a meeting I say, “Hi, my name is Paulette and I am a grateful compulsive overeater.”  And I smile.

Paulette R.
Conroe
 
 

Step 9

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.

An Inside Job

Step Nine was the pivotal Step for me. Steps One to Three are vital for recovery, but Step Nine changed me from the inside out. I could no longer be the person I was for the first 20 years of my life. I had to become a different person, to live with a new outlook. Step Nine forced me to do just that. Here’s why: I was a thief! Food had consumed my life. I was always planning it, preparing it, collecting kitchen gadgets, eating or fasting (to make up for the binges). My life revolved only around food, including my choice of workplace.

When I started college and lived on my own, I worked at a German restaurant. I worked different shifts, but the early morning shift was where my insanity reigned. I was alone in the restaurant for four and a half hours each day. I could do whatever my compulsion desired.

No one knew what I was up to except me, or so I thought. My HP was aware, even if I wasn’t. For about two years I had my pick of gourmet pots and pans, silverware, towels, blocks of this and that to eat and anything else I wanted. I would sneak it out in the dark and walk back to my apartment, which was nearby. I had a beautifully stocked kitchen for a poor working student, stocked with stolen goods.

Unknown to me because of my insanity, I learned I was a compulsive overeater with many problems. I took Step Two first, knowing I was insane and needed help. Then came Step One, followed by Step Three. However, I knew I had to jump to Step Nine quickly. Each day I walked into my kitchen and looked at the stolen cookware, towels and everything else. I couldn’t continue doing that if I wanted to recover 100 percent. Half measures avail us nothing. This is a program of rigorous honesty. I had to do Step Nine.

By then, I knew I couldn’t work around food and had quit the restaurant business. One summer day, after deciding this was the day to work Step Nine, I gathered all the cookware, towels, silverware and money for the food I had stolen. I called the owner and asked if I could see him.

Terrified and trembling, I walked the entire way with that heavy box, hoping I could just leave it at the door. With HP’s help, I opened the back door (the same door through which I had stolen) and met the owner. We went to the beautiful garden area, and there I made my amends. I confessed to stealing and poured my heart out to him, asking for his forgiveness. To my amazement, he understood my plight. He was a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety. He knew the insanity firsthand. I was very lucky. I walked out of the garden, collapsed on a grassy area next to the restaurant and wept.
The Ninth Step was the most frightening thing I had ever done in my sane life. I was frightened because I didn’t
know what the repercussions would be, but the worst part was that I didn’t know who I would become. Up to that point,
I had been a selfish, greedy thief, without love for myself or anyone else. I had to trust HP with my very personality.

I am grateful to God for Step Nine. I am grateful to the man who graciously forgave me and helped me on my path to recovery. No longer was I a thief who stole from people. I could live as a free person who had choices in life. I know that all the Steps can be frightening, but Step Nine forces you to face other people (if it’s appropriate), admit when you are wrong and be honest. Step Nine changes lives.

One thing for sure, this is a program of rigorous honesty, but the truth will set us free. I thank my HP, the two OA groups I attend and Step Nine for the person I am today: a grateful compulsive overeater.

— Edited and reprinted from Novation newsletter, Northern Virginia Outreach Intergroup, September 2000 Courtesy of Lifeline 92001
 
 

For the Newcomer

Have you ever wished you  could lose 10  pounds 20,40, or 100 or  more??? Have you ever wished that if you got it off - you could keep it off??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you sometimes felt ought to step with the world like  a homeless orphan without a place where you really belong??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever wished your family would get to work or school ...so you could get busy eating??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!

Have you ever awoke 1st thing in the morn and felt happy cause you remembered your favorite binge food was waiting for you??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!  Have you ever looked up at the stars and wondered what an insignificant person like you was doing in this world anyway??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!  Have you ever cooked, bought, or baked for anyone else just to eat it all yourself so you wouldn't have to share??? We know you here cause we are you. Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!

Have you ever wanted to hide at home without going to work, getting dressed or letting anyone see you??? Welcome to recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever hidden food in you bed, drawer, wastebasket, cupboard, clothes hamper, closet, car, freezer so you could eat in secret??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever felt anger, resentment, defiance against GOD, your spouse, doctor, parents, friends, children, salespersons whose looks spoke volumes as you tried on clothes cause they were ... thin & they wanted you thinner & you were forced to diet to please them or quiet them or make them eat their words & looks???   Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!

Have you ever sobbed out your misery in the dark night cause no one loved or understood you??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever felt that GOD (if there was one) made his biggest mistake when he created you??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever wanted to just go away and keep on running without
looking back? Did you? Welcome to recovery...Welcome Home!!! Have you ever thought that the whole world was a mess and if others would only see things your way, they'd be better off??? Welcome to recovery...Welcome Home!!!

Have you ever thought that recovery people are nuts & they may be compulsive overeaters, but you just have a little problem which you will take care of tomorrow.  They may be one bite from insanity but you are just a little or a lot overweight??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!  Have you ever told anyone how great, talented, intelligent, & powerful you are knowing inside that they didn't believe you - cause you didn't??? Welcome to Recovery...Welcome Home!!!
Have you ever been at normal weight to find yourself thin/unhappy- not fat/unhappy??? Welcome to Recovery...
Welcome Home!!!

Have you ever worn a mask or hundreds of masks cause  you were sure if you shared your true self, no one could ever love and accept you??? We accept you here!!! May we offer you a home??? This 12 step program extends to all the gift of acceptance. No matter who u are, where you came from or are going. You are welcome here!!! No matter what you have done or failed to do. What you have felt or haven't felt. Where you have slept or with whom. who you have loved or hated. You may be sure of our acceptance.

We accept you as you are. Not as you would be if you could melt yourself, mold yourself, shape yourself into what others think you should be. Only YOU can decide what you need. And we will help you to work for your goals. and when you succeed, we shall rejoice; and when you slip, we will tell you that we are not failures just cause we sometimes fail. and we will hold out our cyber arms in love and stand beside you as you move on to where you are going. You never have to cry alone again unless you choose. Sometimes we may fail to be all we should be and may not meet all your needs. Accept our imperfection too. Love and help us in our failings. We are not saints. We are willing to grow along spiritual lines. Let us rejoice in our efforts and the assurance that we can have ...a home if we choose...

Welcome to recovery...Welcome Home!!!

Lifeline Sampler
 

Overeaters Anonymous is a Fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience and mutual support, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.

Steps is published quarterly by Houston Metro Intergroup (HMI) of Overeaters Anonymous, P.O. Box 741836, Houston, Texas 77274-1836, 713-973-6633

Editorial Policy: Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers and not of HMI or OA as a whole, unless otherwise noted. We reserve the right to edit all submissions with the intent of preserving the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous